'A Day in the Life'

Courtney Murrison
May 3, 2022

Trigger Warning: This article mentions intrusive thoughts and thoughts of harm.

"I have struggled with anxiety for years and I have been in therapy since I was 13. It has ebbed and flowed throughout my life, but I think, like most, the pandemic added a tremendous amount of anxiety to my day-to-day that I had never anticipated feeling. During the pandemic, I started at Vendasta and started my time working from home—in my basement. 

Until Vendasta, I had been coping with the loneliness of COVID by working in a busy restaurant and seeing customers and coworkers daily. Going from that to being at home nearly 24/7 and only being able to interact with my coworkers—who were brand new to me—virtually, was an extremely tough transition and spiked my anxiety and depression into high gear. 

Sometimes it felt hard to get out of bed—the hours stretched on between my meetings where I got to interact with anyone. I would get extremely anxious that I wasn't doing enough work or my work was inadequate because I would sit there and convince myself I wasn't good enough to be here, doing my job. Although it was exciting to talk about my new work, in reality, I felt isolated, sad, and anxious nearly all the time. But, I didn't want to tell anyone because I was too proud to acknowledge how hard this transition had been for me. 

Six months into my position, I reached a breaking point and decided that I couldn't keep going in this cycle. Though I have always been in therapy, the coping skills I had formed over the last decade were no longer keeping me afloat. I called my doctor; We had a serious conversation about my mental health, and I was prescribed medication. I talked to my family about the struggles I was facing. I also spoke to my manager and informed her about what was going on. Going on medication was not something I had ever envisioned for myself and quite frankly embarrassed me, but I am glad I did. One year later, I am in the best place emotionally I have ever been. 

It has not been without its struggles—trying different medications, hitting more low points, more tears, more time at home. But now, I am fully vaccinated, in the office, and thriving; and I couldn't have done that without asking for help. I want to urge anyone who may be struggling to tell the people you love about your struggles—to ask for help and support. Go to therapy more regularly, go to your doctor, and talk to them about your mental health as well as your physical health. It is always important. It isn't always about the major problems. It is about the persistent maintenance we put into ourselves."

"I have always been a somewhat anxious person, but I never thought it was bad enough to seek help for the majority of my life. I basically am just an overthinker and I usually jump to the worst-case scenario in any given situation. But I have never been shy about sharing my feelings, and I talk to my friends and family a lot.

The pandemic definitely changed things for me as it did for a lot of people. I had a baby in mid-April of 2020 which was obviously a scary time to be having a baby. We had been in lockdown for a month and I was terrified of my baby getting sick. I had been on mat leave for a month also and I was two weeks overdue when she was born so that was hard. The crazy swings in hormones you get after having a baby did not help me much so I was very anxious and the first few months of her life were scary in my brain. 

Take a generally anxious disposition, add a pandemic, throw in some hormone swings, and finally top it off with lack of sleep due to a newborn and it's not a great combo. I was having very scary intrusive thoughts and I was genuinely afraid I would hurt my baby (thankfully, I did not). Prior to this, I had a few anxiety attacks in my life but with years in between them. Now, I was starting to have them regularly over small things that my brain told me were very bad. One day I was only a couple blocks from my house and I'd convinced myself someone was coming to take my baby and I had to call my husband to come pick us up. At this point, I knew I couldn't do this anymore and I started speaking with a therapist. This made a WORLD of difference and I felt 10x better after only a couple of conversations. She gave me some excellent coping mechanisms and I haven't had a full-blown anxiety attack since."

"If I'm having a particularly bad day, I'm likely to get into a feedback loop of negative self-image or -talk, anxiety, and depression. I'm going to interpret ambiguous phrasing as more negative or harsh than it's intended to be, or will imagine the worst of unread messages until I read them much, much later - it could be anything, therefore it's probably catastrophic right? (Usually text, since it lacks facial expressions, tone of voice, etc.) 

I'll berate myself for a lack of completion of significant tasks or projects, forget or downplay what I have achieved, or tell myself I won't accomplish anything or that I don't deserve to be employed at this tech company. If it's the weekend, this can all take place before getting out of bed, delaying the start of my day, and wasting time I could use to exercise, repair stuff around the house, etc."

Touch grass. Seriously, as a dev and gamer I spend way too much damn time hidden in the dark, in front of a screen. Sunlight, fresh air, and nature help me cheer up or calm down. Walking around the block is easy and short to do for a break. I can go farther after work or on lunch, if I want to look at sparrows or rabbits or whatever's nearby - animals are calming! 🙂

Physical exercise can help me cheer up or power through a down day. I like jogging and weight-lifting. You don't need to be body-builder either - I just have some dumb-bells from Canadian Tire in my house, that I adjust to 10 pounds for easy days or cardio, or 30 pounds for heavy days. (They sell smaller ones too, which you don't need to adjust! :) If I'm feeling overly anxious, the exercise wears me out so I don't have energy for it. If I'm depressed, it gets my heart rate up which I can pair with a smile to get in a good mood. (Seriously, the human brain is a mess of garbage and placebo. 'Fake it till you make it' is real!) 🙂

What also helps, is journaling. The psychiatrist I was seeing got me to keep a journal of highly emotional situations, so it's written down and outside of my loop of negative thoughts - what was happening, what I was feeling mentally and physically, what I imagine another person would think if they were in my position, and a concrete positive action that could have resolved the situation - basically, reality checks on myself. Another journally-type thing is a piece of CGP Grey's Theme Journal - daily check-ins, specifically phrased as "I am personally grateful for X", same with "...professionally...", with a blank for a third one at the end of the day. Focusing on positive actions, outcomes, or other things gets me into the mind-set to notice them more often, which helps make it an easier habit.

Tight hugs, talking it out, crying it out, watching TV or movies that I love, eating comfort food.

Talking to my family and friends about what I am feeling and working through things out loud.

Going to therapy, taking my medication. 

Making lists helps remind me of what I have: my favourite movies, books I've read, things that ground me in my reality. 

I also love crafting, always having a project on the go is great way to always be busy. Any sort of hobby that makes you feel good!

There are two types of self care: calming/relaxing, and energizing. Calming/relaxing self care will maintain your ‘feel-good hormones’, and keep them from dropping. Energizing self care actually boosts/increases your ‘feel-good hormones’. You need both in your life for optimal mental health! 

For calming/relaxing - I like taking walks with my dog, burning candles, repetitive tasks/projects,  fuzzy blankets, drinking tea, etc. 

For energizing - I like finishing projects (quilting or other crafts/DIY projects), playing team sports, or quality time with close friends. 

Despite what I felt at the time, my anxiety and depression has always been temporary. I've made use of professional psychiatric and medical help, and I'm better for it. I've got a solid foundation in my career, and provide value in and out of work. Whatever I might go through it's temporary, and I'd recommend anyone in a similar situation to remember that! 🙂

That it is okay to say you are struggling! I feel like people hide it so much and it's so important to just let it out and ask for help.

There is nothing wrong with YOU. Sometimes the chemicals in your order are just out of sort, and they need some help, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! That is science! It is out of your control! It can feel lonely, but reaching out for help is not weak— it is a positive step, and it is important. With the right support in place, things can get better.

You don’t have to suffer in silence! PLEASE seek help. Mental health is a part of each and every one of us, just like physical health. If you have an injury to your body, you will seek medical attention, tell your friends and family about it, and likely ask for help in certain areas of your life. Why would it be any different for a mental health concern? 

For people on the outside: Mental health problems aren't always visible, like in the movies. Someone may 'look fine' on first glance, but could be hiding, down-playing, or just expressing themselves differently than you expect. This could be because of their personal tendencies or fear of negative perceptions in a corporate environment. On my team I usually express myself with jokes and sass, or thoughtfulness if I'm debating or rebutting something - quiet mode without looking obviously tired, and saying that I'm tired is probably a bad day!

Please educate yourself. You must understand that these issues are not something a person can just turn off. It is the way our brains are wired, and we don’t have control over every aspect. What we can control is what we do to help ourselves - self care strategies, seeking help, talking. The way you speak to someone about mental health is important. There is no ‘snap out of it’, or ‘just be happy’. You can only listen to their concerns with the intent to understand, and be there for them when they need you. Check in frequently with everyone you know - don’t assume someone is okay because they appear happy.