My Pride Story

Pride Month 2022

Aris Night
June 14, 2022

“You’re such a tomboy. That’s so weird.”

“Why is your hair short?”

“Are you trying to be a guy?”

I can always remember being confused by these comments. No, I was just trying to be myself. But why was “myself” so different from everyone else? I wasn’t that weird. Sure, I liked to play outside while other girls my age liked to be inside. Okay so I didn’t have Barbies, but I did have a construction set. What was so weird about that?

I always remember thinking that I didn’t fit in. Boys didn’t like me because I was too “aggressive” and “not girly enough”. The girls didn’t like me because I was “weird”. I can’t count the number of times I was bullied for my short hair (let alone it being red and curly. Can you imagine?). But why wasn’t I like the other girls? Why didn’t I want to play Barbies and dress in cute dresses? Why was I drawn to everything that wasn’t girly?

When I was in grade 8, I remember thinking, “I should have been born a guy.” I believe that would have made me happier. I would have been able to fit in with the guys. I already practically was one of them — so if I had been born one, my life would have been so much better.

The time for grade 8 graduation was approaching. I distinctly remember telling my mom that I didn’t want to wear a dress. I wanted a tux. My mom compromised with me, “Wear a dress to this one, and if you want a tux in grade 12, I’ll buy it for you.” Cool. Just a few more years and I could dress how I wanted.

During grade 8, I started growing my hair. I was tired of being teased and bullied for it. So sure, I’d conform. Only a few more years and I’d be free. With my hair growing out it still didn’t seem like enough. Okay, I’ll start straightening it. It’s easier to deal with when it’s straight after all. Other girls were wearing makeup. Okay, I’m a girl. I’ll wear makeup.

High school me wanted nothing more than to fit in. To be “one of them”. I didn’t want to be an outsider. I wanted to be normal.

I sit here and laugh and chuckle at the absurdity of it all. I couldn’t figure out why doing all of that felt so wrong to me. The more I kept trying to be a “normal girl” the more I hated myself.

In 2018, I started to learn about gender identities. My partner came out as transgender and my whole world was shifted. Who was I? What was my sexuality? Was I straight? Did I feel different? The emotional roller coaster I had to go on was terrifying. Suddenly, I was forced to find myself and figure out who I was.

In 2018, I learned about my sexual identity. I realized I did not care what gender my partner was. I cared about their personality. I was attracted to their personality over their body. I cared about what was in their heart and soul.

In 2019, my gender crisis appeared. For those of you who don’t know, there is a joke within the transgender community that states the second you figure out your sexuality, the gender crisis appears. Just when you think you’re safe… bam. More to figure out. All of my friends who are under the trans umbrella warned me about this (granted, it was with memes, but dang. I should have paid more attention to those memes). Once again, who was I? Where did I fit?

I did research. I talked to counsellors. I talked to my friends. Why couldn’t I figure this out?

At the time, I had one non-binary friend. I reached out to them, probing with a few questions. I was nervous and didn’t want to out myself when I didn’t know what I would be outting myself as. The more questions they answered, the more everything was put into place.

I didn’t feel like a woman.

I didn’t feel like a man.

I didn’t feel like I was any gender. The term for this is agender. It is someone who does not identify as any gender. Agender is underneath the non-binary umbrella.

I was non-binary. Literally, everything made sense. It all fit. This was me.

I am Aris. I am non-binary. I use they/them.

I do not owe anyone androgyny. I do not owe anyone femininity. I do not owe anyone masculinity. I am comfortable with who I am.

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